I'm pants shitting drunk right now
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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