i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
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