Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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