apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
