Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I understand Curling. That high.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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