Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize