so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
i've created a new STD.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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