I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
