i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
