Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
