I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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