I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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