You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
