my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
