I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
