Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
