Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
