So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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