Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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