Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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