How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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