guys are only as good as the porn they watch
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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