I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
