You can't special order awesome
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
