The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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