Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
