Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize