My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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