just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
