did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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