I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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