Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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