Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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