I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize