Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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