After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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