She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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