so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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