Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
