If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
