I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize