DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
