im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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