i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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