I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
