whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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