Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
