At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
