I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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