I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
