thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
