Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
