I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
