closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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