First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
