I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
