he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
