This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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