what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
