did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Randomize
