I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
